Sunday, April 30, 2006

I am a rascal it seems.

I did an Online DNA Personaility Test and I came up as a FREE-WHEELING DIRECTOR.

Great... do the test yourself and see what you are:

I read the descriptions of the personality type and it was surprisingly accurate about me and my traits and behaviour... but according to the test I scored only 4% on the empathy scale. To illustrate this:


0% }-me--------------------------------------------------------------------------------{ 100%

After a lot of thought I realised that maybe it is true - maybe I really do have LOW EMPATHY with other people. However, having low empathy I hope does not automatically qualify me as a cunt. My religious beliefs and moral code are quite straight and I never ask of others what I would not give myself. I think I am a loving person and I hope I treat others with respect and courtesy. My life experience and upbringing mean I have certain viewpoints that means I understand what it is like to experience

And I DO care about people.

But perhaps my behaviour is fake. Above average intelligence and perception allow me to recognise, yet maybe that is all I can manage unless I have experienced it directly. So I understand - but I cannot feel.

You Lose Your Job.

I know that it sucks.

So I say to you,

"Listen - losing your jobs sucks, I know."

But I don't really care. I don't really understand your pain. But I understand something else on a different level.

So I say to you:

"Fuck it - you're lucky. Now you get the change to begin again and try something new. You're FREE. Now is the time to follow your heart and passions. Besides - now you got a chance to watch some cool TV and chill out for a while. I'll lend you 24 on DVD."

Because I DO care. Having low empathy is a blessing. I can offer practical solutions aimed and solving LONG TERM HAPPINESS which, of course I recognise as positive.

And if this post makes no sense.

Fuck you - it's not me, it't you - you must be stupid. Read it again, you dumb mother fucker.



I love you really

Tuesday, April 25, 2006


As part of the SHITTY BLOG SURVIVOR contest I have posted a picture of myself .

As part of the terms and conditions I must be wearing, and be seen to be wearing 40 items of clothing.

Either that.

Or be seen naked.

"Vote Doom" is all I say.

Monday, April 24, 2006


The last couple of days have been excellent - I would advise anybody to find something they love and do it whenever possible - because my self-esteem has sky rocketed since shooting this recent music video.

I have real confidence that one day I will manage to fulfil my ambitions and become a director - and actually get paid for it.

I'm not sure what other people think of my ambitions - whether they think I am bold/reckless/foolish/stupid/brave/arrogant/jealous... and perhaps I should not care - but I am doing what I want to do and what I choose to do.

Directing is the best fucking thing in the world. I am so privilidged to have been able to find the opportunitues to create the links that I have had so far. They have helped me tremendously and carried me a long way. I will not put it down to luck - because luck is an eventual outcome of preparation finding an opportunity.

I do not wish to tempt fate - or be complacent or blase - but I feel so close - I don't even know what I feel close to - but I know that I am slowly begininning to demonstrate my skills and abilities - I see now that very soon the opportunities will come for me to actually approach ad agencies and production companies and tell them that I am the man they are looking for.

For once, I am beginning to truly feel and and accept something powerful: Faith in oneself.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Today I shot a Music Video - My third

This is the moment I knew would come - although now it is easy to be complacent about it. Complacent because the day went well - but yesterday - I had a mild case of intrepidation.

Nonetheless, everything came together and today I shot a music video - my third.

We got some good stuff and I learned a lot. I managed to control most of the things I had to control. I lost a bit on control for about 20 minutes but all in all this is not bad.

I need to learn to up my assertiveness which I am managing to do - I need to be in control - and SEEN to be in control. The worst thing is that this is the hardest thing for me to judge - I cannot tell how people perceived me. The artist said to me:

"You the man - we ain't even seen the video and we know you're the man."

Which is nice. But he is only the artist and it is like asking my mum what she thinks - He has no frame of reference.

Well, rightly or wrongly my fear of failure is driving me to constantly push my efforts - so the outcome is good. The footage looks good - it was well lit, the performances were good and I've got some cool ideas for the edit.

But for now.

I rest.

And buy my lovely girlfriend dinner.


Friday, April 21, 2006

Fear of The Unknown - Tomorrow

I had a long chat with my girlfriend about 'fear' and how it can control various elements of a persons life.

Basically, I told her that because I am older (27) and she is younger (22) there is a lot of stuff that she has just not learned to deal with - that I have.

But she never knew that I have had to deal with it cos she met me when I was 26 and she was 20, and she assumed that I had always been this way. Little did she realise that, once upon a time, I used to be a skinny, spotty, geeky, untrendy loser. (of course I am still a loser - but the other stuff has changed) So she is having a bit of a panic now having these things to face - but I have commited to helping her.


Tomorrow I face a fear: Fear of the Unknown.

As a reminder to my readers - one of the core reasons I have this blog is to chronicle the changes in me that I am trying to bring about in order to become a successful Commercials and Movies Director.

3 or 4 years ago I had to go through an awful lot just to shoot a 4 minute short film. I had to push myself SO hard just to make this movie. And it took 100% of my full effort. All I wanted to do was to quit and run and hide... and it took a lot for me to focus.

But I did the film.

It was average.

But that was not the important part.

The important part was that I had done it for myself. Nobody told me to do it. Nobody offered me the chance. I did it myself - everything happened and everybody was involved because of me. Because of my choice - and then my effort to follow it through.


Tomorrow I am shooting a low budget music video - because of an email I sent to somebody about 18 months ago asking if they wanted a director. The initial meeting went nowhere but here I am now about to shoot this thing. I am not really afriad so much any more. The basic idea is that the more I do - the easier it gets.

I still have some fear - not much - just a healthy amount of performance anxiety. Perhaps one day it will come that this ceases to exist for me. But until then it is diminishing.

The majority of my anxiety is not because I think I will fuck up. It is not because I think things will go wrong - It is not because of any mistake or errors or anything.

It is what people will think of me in the event of any errors and fuck ups. I do not want them thinking I am a fucking WASTE OF TIME if I do.

I'm quite indifferent about the video: If it goes well then great - if it goes badly then I'll still learn. Experience has taught me that film making is as much a process orientating thing as a result orientated one. One learns from everything.

Anyway - rightly or wrongly I am worried about how people will percieve me. The crew are all people I know already - I wouldn't call them all friends - but I know them.

I want to DIRECT. And these are my peers. They are the crew - and the crew is always watching the Director. Searching for any signs of weakness.

Nothing must betray me.

Whether the video shoot goes good or bad all I want it that they don't think badly of me. Rightly or wrongly this is what I want.

For you tomorrow might be another day - and you're right - it IS just that. And tomorrow night I will post here the outcome of the day. And that moment will come.

But between now and then, I must close my eyes, jump into the abyss,






Wednesday, April 19, 2006

My Blonde Hair - Yesterday.

Ladies and Gentlemen.

This is me.

And that is my hair.

Tell me what you reckon.


Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Blonde Baby

I have had blonde highlights put in... and this time the person doing it DIDN'T FUCK IT UP!

So, now I have proper blonde highlights - and I love it.

Not as much as I love my readers - but almost.

I'll post a picture as soon as I get one.


Thursday, April 13, 2006


Holy Jamoly!

I have completed the first cut of my short film.

And .... I am quite proud of it.

Musically I want to go in a totally different direction - I want some music - a blend of RAGGAE/OLD SKOOL/AND HOUSE

London Cokehead? Any offers?

Any creative process is a long and arduous journey - I have gone on many ups and downs... and for now I can say that the ups and downs are not totally over yet... but I am just gonna hold on and enjoy the rest of the ride. The bulk of the work is done and I can say that *probably* 95% of the editing is done.

Not bad. It only took me a month.

Now, I need to check out the location for this upcoming music video tomorrow - then my sister is coming for the easter weekend. That means that life ain't so bad right now.

The best part of coming out of a storm is that only sunshine (and wreckage) awaits.

Big Kisses to each and every one of you who have accompanied me on this journey.

I love you all.


Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Woo Hoo!

At 4:00am after completing the 'rough first edit' of my short film I decided that it was time to have a go at doing some REAL EDITING.

All I had done so far is just put the sequences and scenes together. Looking at it as a whole film it is shit.


After a lot of thought and consideration the work now comes. So at 4:00am I tried the style. And it worked.

From the day of filming I saw this new style of cutting in my head. As we were shooting the material it became clearer and clearer what I would have to do.

Give the subject matter and style of the project I know I have a lot of freedom to do whatever I fucking want - Audiences are used to different techniques and styles. A golden rule is NOT TO UNDERESTIMATE THE SOPHISTICATION OF YOUR AUDIENCE.


I won't underestimate you. Your job will be to keep up with me.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Postive News of Sorts

It seems to be confirmed (but I don't believe anything until I turn up on the day and it actually happens.) but I'll be shooting another freebie music video in two weekends time.

This is good and bad - but I'll concentrate on the good aspects.

It is a good opportunity for me to direct a good solid performance based video. In the words of the artist, he wants it to "look good and be edited nice."

I suppose you'd have had to be there to appreciate the comedy of that statement. But anyway, I would like to put into practice all I have learned and shoot a fucking ace video.

Basically what happens is that I'll direct something - learn from what goes well and what does not go well - And then go away and theorise, and think, and do stuff, and watch TV, and talk, and watch unrelated stuff on TV (like the Apprentice) and I think about my own mistakes and successes and think about other's mistakes and successes. Slowly adapting my own behaviour accordingly.

So now is another chance to do a better job.

The last video I did was fucking shit. And about 50% of that was my fault. Maybe more. This is predominantly because it was the first performance video I ever did. (and it is a totally different discipline to making short movies)

Basically what I need to do is lead from the front. Get in there, tell people what I want, see what works and then do it. It is crucial that I get the video I WANT. I must achieve this my communicating my ideas clearly and confidently to the neccessary people.

Crucially, it is important to recognise what is working and what is not working - and then FIX it.

Between now and then I want to meet up with a couple of other directors I know I pick their brains about how they direct music videos. As I said above, it is a new thing for me. I know what I'm doing with short films (I've been making them since I was 14 - and it just clicks with me) but music video is what I need to work on. 'shooting the shit' out of the idea is one technique I could use but I want more.

Much more.

Peace and Love



ps. I need to get my hair cut and re-coloured again so at least I look like I know what I'm doing.

Friday, April 07, 2006

I type this as a Render

(For those unaccustomed to video editing - Rendering is the process when your computer takes your video work and compiles it together so that it can be played back 100% speed with all effects and filters applied. Think of it like making bread - with the editing the kneading of the dough - and the rendering the actual baking.

Significantly, cos of the way the footage was filmed ( a technie issue with the 35mm lens adaptor) either I stand on my head and edit or we flip the image in the edit - because like what 35mm adaptors do, the fucking image was flipped and the movie was recorded upside down. So we flip it in the edit machine but that means the computer has to render every shot before it can be played full speed. Trust me. This is a cunt and it slows everything down.)

Anyway, for a moment I allowed myself to be lulled into a false sense of hope.

For a moment, as I pieced this movie together, there was a moment when I though that it might be quite good. But now I realise that it is shit.

And therefore: I am shit.

I fucking hate editing.

You cut together nice little bits and think,

'ooh - that's nice. that cut works'

And you make a scene and you think,

'that's a nice scene'

And then you watch it all back and it just doesn't fit together. And then you think.

'I am a cunt and this movie sucks a donkey's ass.'

THAT is the joy of editing. But the more I do the harder it gets. Cos you need to look at the movie as a WHOLE. And to do that takes clarity.

Which is hard to find at 3:00am in the cunting night.

Love and cuddles


Thursday, April 06, 2006


I have entered a competition at the SHITTY BLOGS CLUB called SHITTY BLOG SURVIVOR.

Each week there is a task set to the myriad of Shitty Bloggers and the worst performing participant will be beaten , flogged, dipped in ethanol and then flung into a pit of sulphur.

The task this week is to get as many readers as possible from each participant's blog to go over and leave comment stating that that blog should win the SHITTY BLOG SURVIVOR.

So, please - would you all be angels and go over to:

And click in the comments section and mention that you think DOOM/BLONDIE should win please. Try and be as clever and witty as possible. Hard for some I know.



For those interested: my edit is slowly coming together. There is actually a semi-decent 15 minute film in there somewhere. I need to be careful about the length. I never expected it to be so long, but it could be 18 minutes if I let it. I will not hack down the length unneccessarily just to make it shorted - I need to let it be as long/short as it needs to be. But that is what editing is all about - and once I have compiled ALL the sequences then I can begin to look at the film as a whole.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Ding Dong I've been Tagged.

I feel special. To be in the El Diablo De Verde's tag list along with Heroinegirl and Ex-Millenial girl is just super sweet. I am humbled.

So anyway.

1. Body soap?

Bar of Soap. Dunno which.

2. Face wash?

Bar of Soap. Dunno which.

3. Shampoo?

Herbal Essences. I use conditioner now that I have blonde highlights too. Cos my hair is dry and crispy.

4. Moisturizer?

I used to use a Shiezido one for men but gave up.

5. Cologne/Perfume?

I follow the signature scent school of thought - it took me many many months to discover:

Jasper Conran - Man.

Now THAT is a smell.

6. Deodorant/Anti-perspirant?

Right Guard - it doesn't let you down - or sweat either.

7. Toothpaste?

Colgate total.

8. Mouthwash?

Sometimes. But not at moment - there is a great one for smokers, a club which I have now rejoined - RetarDex which I think I'll have to get soon if I carry on.

9. Razor?

The vibrating Gilette one with three blades.

10. Shaving cream?

I use soap. It works. Occasionaly I will use Gilette Gel if my beard is ultra tough but usually soap.

11. Aftershave?

see Cologne.

12. Missed anything?

I use Shockwaves Xtrovert Plastic Elastic to style my bleached hair. It is AWESOME. But only works on very short hair. Otherwise it makes it go curly.

Oh yeah - cos I am a hairy mother fucker it is often best to shave in the bath - that way hairs are soft anyway so shaving gel is unneccessary.

I know my answers here make me sound like a pig but I'm not.

13. Whose bathroom shall we raid next?

That will have to be:



Peace and Love


Monday, April 03, 2006

New Ideas

I'm sorry that my posts have been rather boring and mundane - that is because betwen being unemployed and editing this short film: my life is rather mundane.

I'm not complaining, in fact it is somewhat pleasant - I have just seen a new way to take the editing of this short film and I hope that it leads to some pleasant results. Besides, I prefer working on one thing totally and then finishing it and moving on.

I wish I could post a preview, but I don't feel comfortable being judged on unfinished work. I don't know how long it will take to finish, but it is taking time. My short attention span and the sheer time I waste between cutting and rendered shots does not help either.

For anybody interested I am cutting this using Final Cut Pro on my Apple G4 Powerbook in my bedroom. I read a LOT of blogs between renders and edits and check my email obsessively. I would be productive for me to actually take my Apple off-line but then I'd feel cut off. Anybody with a serious interest in editing should ditch their PC and go with a MAC. It is reliable and stable and I only ever had it crash twice(months ago on another project) . And each time I was running a lousy windows emulator anyway.



Sunday, April 02, 2006

Emotional Impact

I have spent a couple of hours editing and I have to say that it is draining.

For a start, 60% of the film is in one central scene where there are several key developments and paradigm shifts - I can say with 100% truth and honestly that it is an immense pleasure to edit such a well acted and written scene. I've never worked with performances of this calibre.

I may appear biased, but the performances are riveting. The responsibility of the editor is to ensure that the emotional tone of the scene is optimised to the flow of the story - that is to say - I do not want melodrama - but the slightest BLINK can upset the pacing of the scene - every raised eyebrow, every movement every slightest thing is crucial.

(Must be careful not to show off the acting. Do not show off the editing. Do not show off the film)

Just blend it together smoothy...

Saturday, April 01, 2006

No Matter How bad you think you got it...

Some poor sap has got it WAAAAYYY worse.

I cannot be arsed to explain why today has been so diabolical - but I have seen the piss and shit and scum and crap that people do to each other today and I am disappointed with the human race.

Humanity needs to change if it wants to survive... Where have all the good and decent people gone?

Where have respect, manners, decency, courtesy, honour, pride all gone to?

It just makes me thankful for what I do have. And you should too.

Please, if you read this - try and do something NICE for somebody else today. Don't think of what you'll get in return. Just be nice. Help an old lady cross the road. Teach a kid to read. Sing somebody a song. Smile and say hello to somebody who looks sad.

Try and reverse the trend of shit that is going around.

Because nobody is this world seems to care about anything else other than themselves. And that stinks.

peace and love