Friday, April 21, 2006

Fear of The Unknown - Tomorrow

I had a long chat with my girlfriend about 'fear' and how it can control various elements of a persons life.

Basically, I told her that because I am older (27) and she is younger (22) there is a lot of stuff that she has just not learned to deal with - that I have.

But she never knew that I have had to deal with it cos she met me when I was 26 and she was 20, and she assumed that I had always been this way. Little did she realise that, once upon a time, I used to be a skinny, spotty, geeky, untrendy loser. (of course I am still a loser - but the other stuff has changed) So she is having a bit of a panic now having these things to face - but I have commited to helping her.

Anyway.

Tomorrow I face a fear: Fear of the Unknown.

As a reminder to my readers - one of the core reasons I have this blog is to chronicle the changes in me that I am trying to bring about in order to become a successful Commercials and Movies Director.

3 or 4 years ago I had to go through an awful lot just to shoot a 4 minute short film. I had to push myself SO hard just to make this movie. And it took 100% of my full effort. All I wanted to do was to quit and run and hide... and it took a lot for me to focus.

But I did the film.

It was average.

But that was not the important part.

The important part was that I had done it for myself. Nobody told me to do it. Nobody offered me the chance. I did it myself - everything happened and everybody was involved because of me. Because of my choice - and then my effort to follow it through.

So.

Tomorrow I am shooting a low budget music video - because of an email I sent to somebody about 18 months ago asking if they wanted a director. The initial meeting went nowhere but here I am now about to shoot this thing. I am not really afriad so much any more. The basic idea is that the more I do - the easier it gets.

I still have some fear - not much - just a healthy amount of performance anxiety. Perhaps one day it will come that this ceases to exist for me. But until then it is diminishing.

The majority of my anxiety is not because I think I will fuck up. It is not because I think things will go wrong - It is not because of any mistake or errors or anything.

It is what people will think of me in the event of any errors and fuck ups. I do not want them thinking I am a fucking WASTE OF TIME if I do.

I'm quite indifferent about the video: If it goes well then great - if it goes badly then I'll still learn. Experience has taught me that film making is as much a process orientating thing as a result orientated one. One learns from everything.

Anyway - rightly or wrongly I am worried about how people will percieve me. The crew are all people I know already - I wouldn't call them all friends - but I know them.

I want to DIRECT. And these are my peers. They are the crew - and the crew is always watching the Director. Searching for any signs of weakness.

Nothing must betray me.

Whether the video shoot goes good or bad all I want it that they don't think badly of me. Rightly or wrongly this is what I want.

For you tomorrow might be another day - and you're right - it IS just that. And tomorrow night I will post here the outcome of the day. And that moment will come.

But between now and then, I must close my eyes, jump into the abyss,

and...

just...

have...

faith.

x

3 Comments:

Blogger london cokehead said...

Good philosophy to run your life by mate

I'll drink to that..

4/22/2006 2:17 am  
Blogger bethanie_odd said...

Today I have my last final. After today I am jumping off the mainstream bandwagon (it was a good year of normalacy out of 30) and putting my hypothesis of dream living to the test. This was a great post to read prior to that leap.

4/22/2006 10:54 am  
Anonymous tilda said...

Good luck doom, amazing philosophy to live by, and though it's common, only very few people actually do...

PS:If you need a stylist :)

4/24/2006 1:06 am  

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