Friday, July 29, 2005

Follow your own advice?

I have decided that it is time to follow my own advice.

Although I came pretty close to quitting my job, yesterday, I have decided instead to take a months unpaid leave and I will concentrate on the objectives that I underlined in the previous post.

This actually exhilirates me.

One month with nothing to distract me from my passions.

In seven days my one month will begin. And then the fun starts!



PREDATOR 2 is one of the WORST fucking films I have ever seen - Aside from the way in which it taps into the early 90s asinine macho bullshit that permeated action cinema of that era -which lends it some post-modern merit because it is like watching somebody play an old arcade sideways scrolling shoot 'em up for 90 minutes - which to a kid of my generation does actually have an appeal. But not much.,

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Task fucking Master

I am a man with a lot on his mind.

None of it is really as complicated as I sometimes think it is, but I have so much fuckin shit to do.

The absolute tasks I have to do are in this order, split into 2 groups:

GROUP A - High Priority

1. Finish the music and the compositing for the test commercial.

2. Compile, design (include shooting and editing the transitions), edit, author and duplicate my directing showreel.

GROUP B - Mid Priority

3. Get stuck into the pre-production on this short film. Scripting, casting, locations and blah de blah.

4. Find another music video to direct. (this is tough because at my level there a a FUCK LOAD of timewasters with a lot of expectations and fuck all money.)

There is another long term task which was revealed to me in my epiphany a few weeks but that starts after I complete tasks 1-3.

I came close to quitting my job today, as it stands I am about to take a month off work in order to concentrate on finishing tasks 1 and 2. The "relative" peanuts I earn from my job do not in any way make up for the huge distraction that having to work 3 days a week does to my list of tasks.

Not having disposable money will hurt, but I have spoken to my girlfriend and she is behind me.

This helps. A lot.

Anyway, I am making choices which frighten and excite me in equal measure. My apologies if nothing exciting seems to be happening for me to blog about recently, I am just stuck with my head down trying to do the work I need to do.

Hard work and dedication are not especially glamorous, yet in real terms, I am at the most exciting time of my life ever. If i do quit my job (get sacked or walk out) and end up with no income, I wonder that when I stroll around in my tailored suit meeting people trying to pretend that I know my arse from my elbow - will they be able to see right through me?

Have I gained enough life experience to be able to convince those I need to convince that I am able to do the jobs I will be trying for?

I know that every day people get paid fuck loads of money to do shit that they have no fucking clue about. Can I become at least one of them? Better yet, will I be able to be better than them?

I hope so, yet I won't presume that I will without hard work and effort.

That is not to say that I don't what I am doing, but then again, who the fuck am I to say that I do know what I am doing?

I just got to pretend that I do know what I am doing, and then shut the fuck up and learn from others.

Oh fuck it.

So much shit.


Wednesday, July 27, 2005






Answers in the comments section please....



Saturday, July 23, 2005

Dear God in Heaven...

I almost fucking choked when I heard about the bombing in Naama bay in Sharm El Sheikh, Egypt.

I am not sure why I am so upset, but I am actually upset.

Maybe it is because I can empathise with the victims.

Maybe because it is the third of three places in the world I have visited that has been blown up by fucking terrorists.

In 2001 I stood with my good friend at the top of the World Trade Centre in New York admiring the view and the quiet whilst smoking a marlboro light.

In 2002 I walked with the same friend in Kuta, Bali, Indonisia by the Sari club wearing my cheap £6 Ralph Lauren imitation polo shirt that I bought in a shop nearby.

In 2004 I roamed Naama bay again with the same friend and his brother. Burnt by the sun and with my bleach blonde hair I must have looked like a right idiot. But I was on holiday and I didn't care. The Russian girls seemed to like me.

That last trip was 9 months ago.

Today when I saw the news I amost fucking choked. Because I could see the place in my mind. I could see the people, the bars, the restaurants, the cheap souvinirs. All of it.

All of the above places are not random and faraway places I see on the news and do not really connect with. They are flesh and blood. They are real. I have seen them. I can connect with them.

And I feel such sadness for the world.

But at the same time I fear for how the world will react.

Because I myself have dark skin.

And already I notice people regarding me with suspicion.

And I see people and I hear things.

All I can do is offer you, my dear reader a quote that I hold precious - and that maybe I think can help us:

"When a thought of war comes, oppose it by a stronger thought of peace. A thought of hatred must be destroyed by a more powerful thought of love." Abdu'l-Baha

And as always, I wish peace and love to you all.


Thursday, July 21, 2005


I have a serious issues - like most men, inside me exists a geek that wishes to nothing but sit indoors eating pizza whilst getting fat and playing computer and videogames ALL day long.

I have been strong, I do not own a console and I sold my PC laptop in favour of a Apple Powerbook which, to be honest, although it is good, it does not have any fucking games.

I don't play many computer games these days, but when I do, I play obsessively and hardcore -


There are others, but these are the main culprits. But the problem is, these games SUCK your will to live. They seriously impede me from doing any extra work on my side projects so I had to make a choce to cut them out as best as I could. Periodically I will have a cull and just delete the games from my PC or get rid of my console or whatever because I realise the detrimental effect these games have on my ability to realise my ambitions...

BUT THE BEAST IS NOT DEAD -From time to time I will borrow a friends console for the week to play and complete a game and right now I am salivating at the prospect of borrowing my friends Gamecube to play RESIDENT EVIL 4 and then my other friends Playstation to complete FINAL FANTASY X and then FINAL FANTASY X-2.

This is a way to control my addiction because I only do it about once a year, BUT the cravings are still there and they are getting VERY strong...

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Guess what?

I have a Sony Playstation PSP and you don't.

So kiss my ass, you loser.


Thursday, July 14, 2005

Epiphany and THEN some...

A few weeks ago I was in a lovely family run Spanish restaurant opposite my beautiful 21 year old girlfriend.

In the middle of eating our payela I took her hand and gazed into her eyes across the table.

And then I had my epiphany. For about 5 minute I saw what it was that I needed to do. I was afraid because of the risks involved. But I sat there gazing into space.

She asked,

"what's wrong?"

"Nothing... I've just had an idea. Let me just think it through."

After a few minutes it subsided. I explained to her what it was I had seen and tried to rationilise how much of a fucking stupid idea it was.

But somehow I could not deter myself, even though it is now about 2 weeks since, I still know what it is that I need to do. It frightens me. And it exhilirates me.

Nonetheless, I then looked at her and we continued eating.

Moments later I felt a rush of emotion rising up within me that quickly surged into a wave that washed over my entire being.

As looked at her and for the first time ever, I couldn't help it, but she saw me shed a tear.

"What's wrong?" her obvious question.

"Absolutely nothing, trust me, everything is fine, look at my face, you can tell everything is fine,"

"I know it is, I can see, but I don't understand."

It must have been so obvious to her, there was no way I could hide a feeling like that moment I felt such tenderness, such longing, such love, such a connection with her that I could in no way hide it. Fo no apparent reason I was overwhelmed with emotion - literally overwhelmed with with joy.

I wiped away my tear and we continued our payella.

In fun I later pretended that the tabasco sauce fumes had made my eyes water but there was no need to pretend in front of her. And we both knew it. And that is what made it so special.

But the funny thing is, with her I get these moments quite often. It is like we both phase out of the limited 5 sense reality and temporarily slip into something quite different.

Neither of us take drugs of drink alchohol even so this is not a chemical high.

I feels good though. And it feels right

As for what my ephipany was....?

In time: all shall be revealed.


Thursday, July 07, 2005

Disaster Recovery

Some of my long standing readers know a small secret about me that the rest of you probably don't - it is not a big thing, but I have a regular and full time job where I squeeze 36 hours of work into 3 long shifts per week. The rest of my time is devoted elsewhere.

I don't write about my regular job it because I don't think it very interesting - and I doubt any of you would. But today, I feel it appropriate to let you know who I work for - but without giving away too many details for various reasons.

I work for the ambulance service as a discharge controller and today we are totally dedicated to the emergency response for the terrorist attack. Part of me knew this day would come, it is the day we have all been preparing for and the day we all hoped would never arrive.

Nonetheless, this sad day arrived.

I shall not rant on and whine about sadness and loss, I am sure there is enough of this elsewhere... I feel we all owe it to ourselves and each other to take this as a reminder that life is precious. And to treat it as such.

Life goes on.

Understand it's value.

Appreciate what we have.

Give yourself a soak in a hot bath, tell your loved ones you care, smile at that little child on the train, help that old lady accross the road, brush your teeth, comb your hair, eat your greens, take that risk, go for that opportunity.

Because this is your life and it is ending one minute at a time.

Tomorrow I am off to Budapest with my beautiful and sweet girlfriend. I am going to take extra care of here and shower her with unconditional love and affection.

And for you all,

peace and love


Terrorist Attacks in London

Damn... it's different when it takes place on your doorstep, in your town, in your back garden....

It is such a shame... such a terrible shame... people just going about their business.... going about their day to day lives...

I know all the places hit, I've been there countless times... I can only think of the victims and the families....

It is reminder that life is precious.

Precious and so fragile.

God Bless


Budapest - This Friday

I am not rich but the way I see it, even though I have to be sensible with money, a man still has to spend his money on something. So I figure it is worthy of me to spend my time and money taking my beautiful and hot, 21 year old girlfriend off for the weekend to Budapest.

I fly out on Friday afternoon and we'll be staying at the Budapest Hilton until Monday morning. I have a list of things I want to do, but most important is for me to spent time with my girl.

I have never looked forwards to something as much as this in my entire life.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

When I was a Child...

When I was a child I used to think like a child - I used to act like a child. I knew no better. When I became a man, I had to put away childish things and forget the ways of the past.

The process was natural and simple. But when you look at it, it is such a violent and unnatural thing to do. Why throw away a way of being that is all you know? Re-learn? everything?

Fucked if I know what made me do it, I just did.

But this process is constant and ever changing. The world is internal and external and both are in a constant state of fluctuation. My world - the world I live in is not the same world I lived in yesterday.

But why change?


There is no answer I can give.

All I can do is trust my feelings and follow my heart. I spent yesterday evening with my beautiful 21 year old girlfriend. She is so utterly unlike anybody I have ever met before, what we have together is so beautiful and natural. I feel that one day she will be my wife - this excites me, and I don't want to fuck it up with her.

I never knew I was looking for her, but then I found her. Anyway, as you might be away of, we had a bit of a ruckus a couple of days ago (our first) but it is all over. I don't even want to talk about kissing and making up because this was so much more than that.

If it is possible to LEARN and it is possible to RE-LEARN - then by extension it must be possible to UNLEARN.

My mum once said that the only constant is change and in my heart these last few days have been fluctuating in all directions.

A confusing post perhaps.

But through it there is a spine:

Awe, enthusiasm and passion.


Saturday, July 02, 2005

When push comes to Shove

Well well well.

What can I say? Today my beautiful princess and I had our first proper argument. I won't reveal what it was about and I haven't the patience to be cryptic and metaphoric.

Essentially it was a small thing but as with most small things, it forms such a greater part of something else much bigger. For the sake of good relations it seems that it will be me who has to compromise. Something that usually I don't have a problem with.

I am not trying to look at this as a huge power struggle - I am trying to be honest and open in my dealings with her so that we can create something praiseworthy and sincere that has integrity and strength.

But, part of me feels that through compromise, I have lost something that I will never be able to get back. The dynamic and synergie that we have is temporarily lost - perhaps I could refind it, perhaps it will return - but for now I am floundering.

Fuck it.

If I was more mature and grown up, and able to fixate upon the good things then this would not be a problem.

I apologise if I am making no fucking sense. But perhaps this doesn't need to make sense for you, my dear reader, to understand.

Peace, love, and I wish you patience and understanding.

Because that is what the world needs more of.