Non-Commital

I feel like I am writing a soap opera -- this is how whole-heartedly ludicrous everything seems to be right now.

About 12 hours ago, I heard from my contact overseas.

The proposal to fund my movie has been provisionally accepted pending certain conditions.

I'll find out in May whether these conditions are met.

These is another offer on the table for 18 months time. This other offer is 10 times bigger than the first.

I really wish I could elaborate here, this story is so absurd you couldn't begin to imagine it. But right now, I simply can't.

But, after three months, the answer I get is:

Yes, maybe.

In May, I'll find out if I raise 100% of the finance to my movie.

Waiting

Wow. The news about funding that I was supposed to hear on Monday has been delayed. Delayed until today. I was supposed to hear 12 hours ago.

Still no news.

A couple of days, I sat down and said my prayers -- I say them every day, but this time I said them with even more gusto and sincerity. It's not the obvious thing to expect from young people in the media/film industry to do. But I firmly believe in God and believe that I've been created for a purpose -- I can't be sure, but I feel this is my calling on earth.

The trick is to detach away myself from that *I* want, and open my heart to what God wants. Which may or may not be the same.

I don't tell most people about my prayers and faith and how I feel it is PARAMOUNT in my journey towards successfully achieving this as it's really not something that most people can relate to.

Nonetheless, in the last recent months, my internal changes have been enormous. And I am trying to detach myself from my ego and vanity, and focus on the simple reality that I want to make movies because it's been a childhood passion of mine that I've carried for 17 years, though making short movies, to film school, to striving to be a commercials and music videos director.

I even go as far as to say that I never sat down and chose to want to make movies. And I never chose to be any good at it. All the skills I feel I have that help me do this, I was born with -- I never picked them from a list. 

But here I am, with this burden of desire and ambition weighing down on me, waiting for news that will let me know that the most significant step I will ever take in this journey is about to be taken.

Or not.

Whatever happens, one day I will be dead and none of this 'career' nonsense will matter.

Everything

Today is the day that I should find out whether the investment proposal to raise the finance to my movie was accepted by the investor.

So I am waiting.

To be honest, I should have heard something by now, and I am in a nervous state of heightened anxiety.

Like an idiot I started smoking again last weekend. There is no way I'll be able to give up today.

xx

HOW DID I GET HERE? - PART THREE: HOW NOT TO RAISE FINANCE

(August 2008)

So, with a script that seems to be half-way decent. I contacted every producer, production company, affiliate, or person of note that I could within my small network of contacts.

The list came to about 15 people -- the way I saw it is that cold-calling- and sending unsolicited is not the way forwards. Better for me to concentrate of where there is a connection of sorts.

So I sent it out. Sometimes via email, sometimes I posted a hardcopy.

It's really funny, until people have seen the script, they are at least willing to respond to your emails or talk to you. The same thing happened with my directing reel when I sent it to all the ad-agencies in London. I suppose, that until they've seen what you have to send them, they work on the assumption that you might be somebody. When they do have evidence that you're a nobody, everything changes.

After several weeks, and follow up emails, of all the people I sent it out to, only one got back to me. And in that case, I used to WORK for that company.  The conclusions, nobody was interested, nobody cared enough to even just tell me to politely fuck off.

Being the eternal pragmatist, this didn't surprise me. But now I realised that I would have to find a way to raise the money myself.

Essentially there are two real options available to the project.

a) £50,000 - £100,000

or

b) £1,000,000+

For a small scale psychological horror both of these are viable, but obviously have major ramifications on the logistics of the shoot and how we do it.

All this time I've had another 'producer' attached - but it took him about 5 months to read the script after I sent it to him. And even when he finally did read it, he cussed it, considering it deeply flawed etc etc.

The real point for me to take away from this was that he really wasn't committed to the project any more. Which was a shame, but the way it goes. I sent him an email saying that it probably wasn't in out best interests to work on this project together. 

He agreed.

And suddenly all on my own. Not that I'd been operating in tandem with him anyway, I'd been acting alone, but it was always a situation where I'd at least had somebody to fall back on. (or I thought I did)

At this lower echelon of the film industry, where it is hard to distinguish between the wannabees and the gonnabees I've met a lot of different people. Each one of them is convinced that they know the way in and are following the correct path.

Many of them have one foot inside the door and are struggling to get in the other. But among them I've met some fucking retards. I wish I could name and shame, but I won't. Who know, maybe they say the same shit about me.

So. I'm now operating alone, in debt up to my eyeballs, I have a decent script, yet nobody in the film industry is willing to back me.

What the fuck do I do next?