Tuesday, November 30, 2004


I had dinner with a good friend from University tonight. We went to a nice place in Chinatown up in central London. The Won-Ton soup was very nice and infinately better than the shit I had for lunch where I also had Won-Ton soup for lunch with my accountant friend.

But at dinner I was extraordinarily overwhelmed by my need to have a haircut BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING TRAMP ON THE STREETS.

On the way home I saw a nice girl and I attempted to smile at her but then I remembered that I look like some wild crazy feral bushman.

My haircut problem is compounded further by the fact that my have black roots about 1.5 cms long. So if I cut it, then I will have black hair at the back and sides and then blonde ends at the top. This I am certain will look fucking stupid so all I can do is cut it and then run home and bleach it ALL blonde.

Hmmm. It troubles me. Because then for about a week I look like an albino. I think I will cut it tomorrow, I have a meeting at 1pm so after that maybe.

Nevertheless, I am looking to shoot this video on the 11th/12th December. This also troubles me because I have a lot of work to do. But I know enough to know that if I do all I have to do then it will get done. End of story.

I suppose that is what it means by "experience".

But the video excites me and scares me in equal measure. But I focus my mind and I remind myself that this is the life I choose. If I am truly the "don" as my ego wants to believe, then this is how I will prove myself:

By doing.

Fuck fear.

Fuck doubt.

One day my corpse will lie rotting in a box somewhere six feet beneath the earth. My skin will forget sunshine, my lungs will forget air and my stomach will forget food.

Free from the constrains of this puny body I shall be exploring the next world. And most of what we concern ourselves with in this world will not matter. But until then I just got to do what I got to do.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Total and Utter Asphixiation

Explaining something that it virtually unexplainable. Meeting somebody so astonishingly attractive, and experiencing a spark so intense that it renders you virtually incapacitated.

This incapacitation is compounded further by the paradoxical state of dreaming consciousness. You try to sleep, but you cannot - both halves of your brain fight to be able make sense of the last few hours' events. The combination of dreaming and memory struggling to categorise the information into anything remotely fileable creates a hallunicatory nightmare.

You wake up delirious. Wanting to speak, to tell your friends. Somehow you cannot. Words fail you. Your conscious brain is still hungover from the intoxication. Barely able to believe it yourself, you are in a state of shock almost. It is a truly traumatic experience.

Shellshocked I sat at breakfast. Barely able to articulate anything more than a grunt. My friends were bemused. They barely believed me. I hardly ate.

But it was only the start of my seduction. The fairy tale was to envelop me like nothing else.

I write this retrospectively. It has gone beyond that halfway point. I have been waiting for longer than I will have to wait until I see her again. I am scared and nervous. Excited and exhilerated. Believe me, you'd be a rich man indeed if you could bottle this and sell it.

Friday, November 26, 2004


Every Now and Then a Man has to make a journey, a journey that he has to make alone. A journey to a place unknown. I have made this journey before, and it seems that it is time to make this journey again.

The difference with movies and books is that movies are primarily the external whilst books are the internal. Each Medium does its own job best in its own way.

Recently the developments in my life have been largely Internal. I prefer to write about the external because that involves deeds and actions - and it also means that my life is moving onwards though these actions and not standing still in thoughtful contemplation. For now it will take a little patience on your part to read, so I beseech your good humour.

It is good to DO Things. I have learned that thinking is a way of not doing. It is best to think and do at the same time. But when thinking is exhausted, one must simply do.

I wanted to get two music videos shot before Christmas but it seems that I will do only one. This is not the end of the world. With luck the second video will be shot in February. But for now it is good for me to concentrate on the first video. I have been invited to the Launch Party for the Single this Saturday at a club in East London. That night there is also a private party at a fuax-trendy club in Leicester Square that I am off to.

Tuesday night I went to Salsa a couple of nights ago and met a lot of people I haven't seen in months. It was nice, and with my blonde hair I raised quite a few eyebrows. Nice to dance with the girls. They all simply happened to be three months better that the last time we danced.

Not a bad thing. And with my stupid blonde hair they weren't looking at my feet anyway.
But that was nice. That same night I had been to another Salsa club in East London which was so fucking shit that I curse my decision to go there. All it was was some loser idiot shouting into a microphone whilst everybody there messed about. But of course they would be able to say, "oh I went to Salsa last night" and impress upon their ignorant friends how exotic and exciting their lives are.

Except that they were not teaching Salsa in this "Salsa" club. It was for fools by fools.

What a TOTAL waste of time.

Anyway, what I am about to write about I feel it rather difficult to write about but please indulge me. There is nothing I found more profoundly boring than people writing about their own relationships with God. For some reason I find it insipid and embarrassing. I am not interested, I am interested in my relationship with God.

I truly believe in God almighty and I and becoming quite spiritual and dedicated. But I just find it boring when people write about.... blah blah - Oh don't worry about it ... I shall simply continue.

The most significant thing I have done in my life recently/ever is to accept that we are utterly powerless in the face of God.

There is something that I want.

Something that I really want. But I will never obtain it unless it is God's will.

I have asked questions.

And I have received 3 answers.

These answers confound and baffle me.

Doubt. I am plagued with doubt.

I ask, "how can these answers mean THIS when this happened, or because THIS was said."

I asked God for a message. He responded. And now I am arrogant enought as to question the answer.

Feelings, I always trust my feelings.

But doubt. Oh wretched doubt.

There are many many details I have omitted from my trip to Egypt and my encounter with my Russian Princess. I omitted them for a variety of reasons. Mainly because there are some things that are meant to be shared and others that are not.

I never wanted to diminish or take any of the magic away my sharing it with anybody else. But understand that with her I felt something beautiful.

I was warned that I must not spoil it my pursuing it. It was what it was and it should be left alone. Always being something special.

It has been a while since my trip there and my emotions have calmed a little but something remains. And that is a question I want answered... all I want to know is whether what we had was MORE than just a week in the sun.

I never expected to find what I did in Egypt. But I did. I found something that totally flipped and turned my world upside down. A spark that has started a chain reaction of events that I doubt I could stop even if I could.

I want the fairy tale. I want it. And I will chase it. It will only come so far on it's own. I must forget my doubt. Overcome my fear.

And run.

And run after my dream. Because I NEED to know either way. I cannot walk away and alway wonder, "what if...."

I have to find out. It is not going to be easy. No way is it going to be easy. But none of the best things in life are easy.

Otherwise it wouldn't be fun would it?

But I have to go now, I have my Russian Lesson to do.

До свидания!


Saturday, November 20, 2004

Midnight Hour

It is 00:15.

I truly ponder the true purpose behind our existence.

These moments of clarity are rare and beautiful.

But fucking boring for you to read about - so I won't elaborate.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Fantastically Dull Stuff

This is probably the most boring blog entry I can imagine I have ever posted. So boring in fact, that I am tempted to delete it.


There are two recent choices that I have been offered/and being groomed for.

1. To help setup a company and help run it as a company director/shareholder.

2. A consultant job/lowly managerial job.

Neither of these will take me in any way towards my short term goal of becoming a music video/commercials director. Equally, neither of these will directly "interfere" will my plans, but things are easier now since I don't have to "think so much when I am at work and I can expend energy in the ways that I require and not in the ways that are demanded from me.

Honestly, I don't know what I should do with either. I could simply go with the flow and do one or the other. I could do both but I am not sure. Saying NO is sometimes harder than saying YES. Either way, these are not Opportunities I am initiating, they are Opportunities I am simply reacting to. Boring and dull opportunities. I fear for my autonomy. I also fear that I might become some stupid boring loser doing some stupid boring shit.

But like many things in life I must choose wisely, and follow my heart. Oh yeah. I'm still pondering the question of my Russian Princess. I spoke with her briefly on Monday (it is today Friday). I really am confused as to what to do. Really confused. The choices I am making in life are getting bigger and bigger and the immense responsibility that I have to myself as these choices impact the rest of my life is also becoming more apparent. I suppose that is the awful part of growing up.

I like being carefree. I want to follow my heart and my passions in all things.

For a moment I feel fear.

I know it will pass. But I am fearful of losing my passion. Without it I will be a souless void. Strange that. I am not fearful of taking risks and chances. I am fearful of NOT taking risks and chances.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Maintenance of the Objective

If my life is a chapter in a book, I am somewhere in the middle of that chapter. Nothing really has changed in my life. Nothing significant has occurred. Simply the logical extension and development of sub-plots already in motion. That is not to say that things are stationary by any means. I am simply slogging on with the things I have to do. Another meeting with a artist/producer/actor is simply another meeting heading towards an already established objective. I still plan to shoot two music videos before Christmas and by then I will have enough work on my showreel to be able to tout myself as a commercials/promos director.

"The ultimate objective of all military operations is the destruction of the enemy's armed forces in battle. The ability to select objectives whose attainment contributes most decisively and quickly to the defeat of the hostile armed forces is one attribute of the able commander."
United States Army, FM 100-5 Field Service Regulations Operations (22 May 1941)

I believe that it is important, and at times it is important for us all to reflect on where we are and where we are going in order to maintain momentum. Sometimes the sight of the bigger picture can be lost and effort must be made to ensure that perspective remains.

Nevertheless, I have been extraordinarily lazy recently and I have barely trained at the gym at all. In contrast to my physical laziness I have been mentally training and I am coming along quite well with my Russian lessons. Perhaps if I can figure out how to write the Cyrillic Alphabet here I might even post a blog entry in Russian. Of course my posting will have a translation, which will reveal the limitations of my ability - but to the casual observer it will look impressive.

Today I met a couple of friends at a networking party and also I met and later had dinner with the actress who will be in one of the music videos I am shooting.

As part of my plan to promote myself as much as my abilities I wore my tailored midnight blue suit with a black shirt and a 3/4 length black coat.

To summarise: the networking party was shit but the dinner was quite nice.

Also today, I finally got my accountant friend to complete the accounts for my company. I must post them off soon or else I will get fined.

I am at work now writing this. For the rest of the evening I shall contemplate my life. There are many things that are going well but one thing that is not.

Hmmm, but truly there is nothing I can do but wait. That may be the lesson I must learn. But that does not stop me longing for something that exists for me so far away both in time and distance.

This next bit might sound crazy but to me it makes perfect sense: The hardest thing to do is for me to let go and ask God in heaven to guide me.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Emotional Backstory.

It was nearly a year ago this month that I went to Prague to see an ex-girlfriend of mine. After a very long relationship we had been on a "break" for a few months and the purpose of my expedition was to see if there was anything still there.

My trip was very enjoyable, she was working at the time on a big movie what was shooting in the Czech Republic and the film company had hired out a whole floor of the Prague Hilton where we stayed. So the accomodation was very plush and it was in a really good central location.

Prague is a beautiful city, I would recomment anybody to go there. We went to the Opera, and to the swankiest restaurant in all of the Czech Republic. Don't take my word for it, http://www.flambee.cz/en/index.php check it out for yourself.

Nonetheless, it was a very emotional trip. But I am totally glad I went. It gave me something to bookmark the closing chapter in what was a very significant part of my early twenties. And equally, with her it was something that I can look back and say that no matter what happened between us before and since then it will always be something special. Maybe more for me than for her, simply because it was mixed with the excitement of being somewhere new.

Four years is a long time to be with somebody. When I consider who I was when I started my relationship with her and who I am now, although sharing the same genetic code we are two different people. Of course I made mistakes - many personal mistakes, but I can only live and learn. From this I learned a whole lot about girls, and about myself - and for all of that I can only be grateful, because I have grown and developed.

Strange how looking back it all seemed so easy, but at the time is was so tough. Some of the stress and vexation that invariably only a woman can cause were so pointless - yet they caused such grief.

Also strange how things change. A person, a place, a feeling - something that can at one point be so important can suddenly become so empty.

A few months ago she got married .When I first found out she was getting married I remember feeling mildly upset. A good friend of mine said something that I found tremendously comforting:

"In the ideal world, all your ex-girlfriends will never have any other boyfriends and they will do nothing but sit by the telephone waiting for you to call them."

So profound that I shall simply give you a moment to re-read it and take it in.

Damn. but it was still a shock.

But I had moved on so in reality it really made no difference. Anyway, I had been invited to the wedding and the strange, "bring it on" crazy madman part of me thought I would go, for no other reason than to say: "bring it on your fuckers... I can take it, show me what it feels like, I'm cool, I'm over it, I don't care."

I listen to advice often, but I rarely take it. This is one of the rare instances when a good friend offered beautiful wisdom by asking bluntly, "What's the fucking point in that?"

Even my Dad advised me against it, and I am lucky enough that my Dad usually doesn't interfere in any of my affairs.
Cut forwards in time to a few weeks ago - I had been spending that afternoon with a good friend and we were shooting the crap about life and girls and stuff. He'd asked me what I would do if I saw her again. I totally assured him that I'd be fine because it was simply a thing of the past. He didn't believe him, but I assured him I was cool.

Nonetheless it was totally uncanny that I would meet her and her husband 20 minute later. My statement was put to the test, but I was right. It did not stress me out at all.
But one thing was a bit odd... she was staring at me and grinning in that way that somebody grins at your when they have got on a new dress or have a new hair cut. Something did not add up and then it clicked... she was heavily pregnant. But she looked good with it.
My own reaction was a suprise to me. Total exhiliration. Excitement. Joy. Not just for her, but because this is the type of shit that happens.

This is life. This is the type of thing that happens to people. I am not the first for this to happen to and I shan't be the last. But all of this, these emotions, these experiences - these are what life is. These connections, these moments, these feelings. These are what makes me feel alive. And it is good to feel.

In the last 18 months or so I have experienced a variety of emotions I barely could have told you existed before.

But all of them - every single one of them was utterly beautiful.


On the 2nd of November (a week ago) she gave birth to a little girl.
I hear that mother and daughter are fine.
The husband?
Well I couldn't give a fuck about that cunt.

Friday, November 05, 2004

I'm gonna direct some music videos!

In the space of a few meetings with a few people across a few days it seems that I am now lined up to direct two very different low budget music videos.

Both of these projects I am tremendously excited about - it is the plan to have them shot and edited by Christmas which is good because Christmas (delightful as it is) has a messy habit of interferring with plans.

This is almost the perfect situation I could put myself into.

The *only* drawback is that the more exciting my life becomes, the more I hate my regular job. I am not ungrateful, the job has put money in my back and is paying for my Playboy Jet Set lifestyle. I am not complaining at all, work is work and I am immeasurably grateful for the job I have because it allows me to do the other things I need to do. It is just at times it is frustrating because... well let's just say that it is at times frustrating.

Nonetheless at my night job I spent most of my time researching and planning my Video Treatment. As a sort of bonus, I managed to hijack the office PC network with my laptop and spent most of the night downloading pornography.

Tomorrow I MUST go on a training run, or I fear I will NEVER be able to manage the Nike 10k which is approaching rapidly like a sandstorm on the horizon.