Friday, November 26, 2004


Every Now and Then a Man has to make a journey, a journey that he has to make alone. A journey to a place unknown. I have made this journey before, and it seems that it is time to make this journey again.

The difference with movies and books is that movies are primarily the external whilst books are the internal. Each Medium does its own job best in its own way.

Recently the developments in my life have been largely Internal. I prefer to write about the external because that involves deeds and actions - and it also means that my life is moving onwards though these actions and not standing still in thoughtful contemplation. For now it will take a little patience on your part to read, so I beseech your good humour.

It is good to DO Things. I have learned that thinking is a way of not doing. It is best to think and do at the same time. But when thinking is exhausted, one must simply do.

I wanted to get two music videos shot before Christmas but it seems that I will do only one. This is not the end of the world. With luck the second video will be shot in February. But for now it is good for me to concentrate on the first video. I have been invited to the Launch Party for the Single this Saturday at a club in East London. That night there is also a private party at a fuax-trendy club in Leicester Square that I am off to.

Tuesday night I went to Salsa a couple of nights ago and met a lot of people I haven't seen in months. It was nice, and with my blonde hair I raised quite a few eyebrows. Nice to dance with the girls. They all simply happened to be three months better that the last time we danced.

Not a bad thing. And with my stupid blonde hair they weren't looking at my feet anyway.
But that was nice. That same night I had been to another Salsa club in East London which was so fucking shit that I curse my decision to go there. All it was was some loser idiot shouting into a microphone whilst everybody there messed about. But of course they would be able to say, "oh I went to Salsa last night" and impress upon their ignorant friends how exotic and exciting their lives are.

Except that they were not teaching Salsa in this "Salsa" club. It was for fools by fools.

What a TOTAL waste of time.

Anyway, what I am about to write about I feel it rather difficult to write about but please indulge me. There is nothing I found more profoundly boring than people writing about their own relationships with God. For some reason I find it insipid and embarrassing. I am not interested, I am interested in my relationship with God.

I truly believe in God almighty and I and becoming quite spiritual and dedicated. But I just find it boring when people write about.... blah blah - Oh don't worry about it ... I shall simply continue.

The most significant thing I have done in my life recently/ever is to accept that we are utterly powerless in the face of God.

There is something that I want.

Something that I really want. But I will never obtain it unless it is God's will.

I have asked questions.

And I have received 3 answers.

These answers confound and baffle me.

Doubt. I am plagued with doubt.

I ask, "how can these answers mean THIS when this happened, or because THIS was said."

I asked God for a message. He responded. And now I am arrogant enought as to question the answer.

Feelings, I always trust my feelings.

But doubt. Oh wretched doubt.

There are many many details I have omitted from my trip to Egypt and my encounter with my Russian Princess. I omitted them for a variety of reasons. Mainly because there are some things that are meant to be shared and others that are not.

I never wanted to diminish or take any of the magic away my sharing it with anybody else. But understand that with her I felt something beautiful.

I was warned that I must not spoil it my pursuing it. It was what it was and it should be left alone. Always being something special.

It has been a while since my trip there and my emotions have calmed a little but something remains. And that is a question I want answered... all I want to know is whether what we had was MORE than just a week in the sun.

I never expected to find what I did in Egypt. But I did. I found something that totally flipped and turned my world upside down. A spark that has started a chain reaction of events that I doubt I could stop even if I could.

I want the fairy tale. I want it. And I will chase it. It will only come so far on it's own. I must forget my doubt. Overcome my fear.

And run.

And run after my dream. Because I NEED to know either way. I cannot walk away and alway wonder, "what if...."

I have to find out. It is not going to be easy. No way is it going to be easy. But none of the best things in life are easy.

Otherwise it wouldn't be fun would it?

But I have to go now, I have my Russian Lesson to do.

До свидания!



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