Thursday, November 11, 2004

Emotional Backstory.

It was nearly a year ago this month that I went to Prague to see an ex-girlfriend of mine. After a very long relationship we had been on a "break" for a few months and the purpose of my expedition was to see if there was anything still there.

My trip was very enjoyable, she was working at the time on a big movie what was shooting in the Czech Republic and the film company had hired out a whole floor of the Prague Hilton where we stayed. So the accomodation was very plush and it was in a really good central location.

Prague is a beautiful city, I would recomment anybody to go there. We went to the Opera, and to the swankiest restaurant in all of the Czech Republic. Don't take my word for it, check it out for yourself.

Nonetheless, it was a very emotional trip. But I am totally glad I went. It gave me something to bookmark the closing chapter in what was a very significant part of my early twenties. And equally, with her it was something that I can look back and say that no matter what happened between us before and since then it will always be something special. Maybe more for me than for her, simply because it was mixed with the excitement of being somewhere new.

Four years is a long time to be with somebody. When I consider who I was when I started my relationship with her and who I am now, although sharing the same genetic code we are two different people. Of course I made mistakes - many personal mistakes, but I can only live and learn. From this I learned a whole lot about girls, and about myself - and for all of that I can only be grateful, because I have grown and developed.

Strange how looking back it all seemed so easy, but at the time is was so tough. Some of the stress and vexation that invariably only a woman can cause were so pointless - yet they caused such grief.

Also strange how things change. A person, a place, a feeling - something that can at one point be so important can suddenly become so empty.

A few months ago she got married .When I first found out she was getting married I remember feeling mildly upset. A good friend of mine said something that I found tremendously comforting:

"In the ideal world, all your ex-girlfriends will never have any other boyfriends and they will do nothing but sit by the telephone waiting for you to call them."

So profound that I shall simply give you a moment to re-read it and take it in.

Damn. but it was still a shock.

But I had moved on so in reality it really made no difference. Anyway, I had been invited to the wedding and the strange, "bring it on" crazy madman part of me thought I would go, for no other reason than to say: "bring it on your fuckers... I can take it, show me what it feels like, I'm cool, I'm over it, I don't care."

I listen to advice often, but I rarely take it. This is one of the rare instances when a good friend offered beautiful wisdom by asking bluntly, "What's the fucking point in that?"

Even my Dad advised me against it, and I am lucky enough that my Dad usually doesn't interfere in any of my affairs.
Cut forwards in time to a few weeks ago - I had been spending that afternoon with a good friend and we were shooting the crap about life and girls and stuff. He'd asked me what I would do if I saw her again. I totally assured him that I'd be fine because it was simply a thing of the past. He didn't believe him, but I assured him I was cool.

Nonetheless it was totally uncanny that I would meet her and her husband 20 minute later. My statement was put to the test, but I was right. It did not stress me out at all.
But one thing was a bit odd... she was staring at me and grinning in that way that somebody grins at your when they have got on a new dress or have a new hair cut. Something did not add up and then it clicked... she was heavily pregnant. But she looked good with it.
My own reaction was a suprise to me. Total exhiliration. Excitement. Joy. Not just for her, but because this is the type of shit that happens.

This is life. This is the type of thing that happens to people. I am not the first for this to happen to and I shan't be the last. But all of this, these emotions, these experiences - these are what life is. These connections, these moments, these feelings. These are what makes me feel alive. And it is good to feel.

In the last 18 months or so I have experienced a variety of emotions I barely could have told you existed before.

But all of them - every single one of them was utterly beautiful.


On the 2nd of November (a week ago) she gave birth to a little girl.
I hear that mother and daughter are fine.
The husband?
Well I couldn't give a fuck about that cunt.


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