Los Angeles: Part Two

The last trip to Los Angeles didn't happen --- but... I got an email two days ago and it looks like in four weeks I'm gonna go for real!

woot.

ps.

The financing to my movie collapsed. Le sigh, those fucking Arabs let me down... in the words of Bob Evans, "an Arab is an Arab is Arab is an Arab."

Los Angeles

In the early hours of this morning, I received a simple email, my friend is going to USA for a funeral. He wants me to come hang with him in LA for a week. I've never been. He is a director in the middle of financing a $25m movie.

I am a director two weeks from finding out if my movie gets financed.

Perhaps I should go along and see what happens. In London, I've been storyboarding my movie, or at least TRYING to storyboard my movie. I've been visiting a lot of VFX places in soho, studios and sitting in on meeting with this big director guy. At the very least, I'm learning a bunch of stuff with him.

But most of all, I am just stuck here waiting for news which will or won't change my life.

A trip to LA will use up the last of my resources and on the surface I can't see the point. I was going to go anyway in two weeks if I failed in my bid to finance my picture.

Well, I said a lot of prayers the other night -- within 24 hours, this invite comes along. I discern any specific point of going, I'm financing my movie from the Middle East... I don't need LA right now. At least I don't think I do.

I suppose that's the point of faith. We pray for an answer from God and when we get one we're too stubborn to see it. Is this invite to LA an answer? Or perhaps a random coincidence. am I projecting, and seeing what i want to see?

Another way of looking it is that progress is about stepping outside of the comfort zone... This trip to LA will push me. Maybe I should go anyway...

May 2009

Okey dokey, it's been a little while -- the last news was that I had a soft yes for the financing to my movie and would find out in roughly 12 weeks time whether or not it would actually happen.

That was 10 weeks ago.

It's now May, and in an oddly poignant twist, its coming up to the 10 year anniversary of me finishing Film School .

So, this month I will find out if it all works. There isn't much else to say on the matter. Sometimes I am confident, sometimes I am anxious.

I pray, I try and focus my energy on understanding my purpose and God's plan for me.

If I get the money, I'll probably weep. If I don't, I'll also probably weep.

Non-Circumvention Agreement

The 'deal' is 11 weeks away. A Hollywood friend of mine suggests I get my people to sign a Non-Circumvention Agreement.

I'd never even heard of one of these, but apparently in Hollywood, they eat their young -- and nobody with any sense does business without one of these.

What i find intimidating is that I am suddenly swimming with sharks -- I might have known one of these guys for 10 years, but this is business now and I where I used to bumble around like an idiot, I can't charm or joke my way out of a legal minefield.

Suddenly, I am a little boy again, hoping that the world is full of good people who want nothing but the best for me -- how can I ask this man to sign a document that essentially declares that I do not trust him?

Then again: this is business.

How can I allow the slightest possibility that somebody can totally fuck me. Based on what? Trust? Friendship? Respect?

I don't want to get them to sign the paper. Because I want to be able to trust him. Then again, if I get him to sign the paper -- then I suppose that's the only guarantee that I can trust him.

Non-Commital

I feel like I am writing a soap opera -- this is how whole-heartedly ludicrous everything seems to be right now.

About 12 hours ago, I heard from my contact overseas.

The proposal to fund my movie has been provisionally accepted pending certain conditions.

I'll find out in May whether these conditions are met.

These is another offer on the table for 18 months time. This other offer is 10 times bigger than the first.

I really wish I could elaborate here, this story is so absurd you couldn't begin to imagine it. But right now, I simply can't.

But, after three months, the answer I get is:

Yes, maybe.

In May, I'll find out if I raise 100% of the finance to my movie.

Waiting

Wow. The news about funding that I was supposed to hear on Monday has been delayed. Delayed until today. I was supposed to hear 12 hours ago.

Still no news.

A couple of days, I sat down and said my prayers -- I say them every day, but this time I said them with even more gusto and sincerity. It's not the obvious thing to expect from young people in the media/film industry to do. But I firmly believe in God and believe that I've been created for a purpose -- I can't be sure, but I feel this is my calling on earth.

The trick is to detach away myself from that *I* want, and open my heart to what God wants. Which may or may not be the same.

I don't tell most people about my prayers and faith and how I feel it is PARAMOUNT in my journey towards successfully achieving this as it's really not something that most people can relate to.

Nonetheless, in the last recent months, my internal changes have been enormous. And I am trying to detach myself from my ego and vanity, and focus on the simple reality that I want to make movies because it's been a childhood passion of mine that I've carried for 17 years, though making short movies, to film school, to striving to be a commercials and music videos director.

I even go as far as to say that I never sat down and chose to want to make movies. And I never chose to be any good at it. All the skills I feel I have that help me do this, I was born with -- I never picked them from a list. 

But here I am, with this burden of desire and ambition weighing down on me, waiting for news that will let me know that the most significant step I will ever take in this journey is about to be taken.

Or not.

Whatever happens, one day I will be dead and none of this 'career' nonsense will matter.

Everything

Today is the day that I should find out whether the investment proposal to raise the finance to my movie was accepted by the investor.

So I am waiting.

To be honest, I should have heard something by now, and I am in a nervous state of heightened anxiety.

Like an idiot I started smoking again last weekend. There is no way I'll be able to give up today.

xx