Sunday, December 05, 2004


noun : grasping and shaking a person's hand (as to acknowledge an introduction or to agree on a contract)

Footnote: with women etiquette dictates that you must do so only if she offers her hand to you. The following doesn't apply.

What am I talking about? The simple handshake.I doubt it is possible to assess a man's character in a simpler way.

My observations are thus: Eye contact is paramount - A man that looks in any other direction that in your eyes can usually be classed as insincere. I might further add that he will probably be weakminded. Furthermore, he will probably be stupid and/or ignorant.

Worse still is a man that grips your hand towards the finger end. This prevents you yourself from properly shaking his hand and results in you yourself gripping his fingers. This is a clear sign of an inferiority complex. This man is probably commitment phobe and more than likely hates women. Some might argue that this can is a control freak because at the same time he is cutting your handshake off and forcing you to adopt his weak grip. This is a possibility, one which I must consider further.

There is also the palm down handshake whereby a man offers his hand palm down forcing the reciever to adopt a supposedly passive position. This is a ridiculous and pathetic attempt to assert some kind of power over the receiver. It is a clear sign of an inferiority complex and no further evidence is required to prove this.

There is also the drunken over zealous handshake whereby a man will somehow prove his manliness by grabbing and squeezing and then pulling the other close in and perhaps patting on the back whilst laughing and joking. A man who does this is afraid that people do not like him.

Then we come to the "snide" sneaky handshake. The hand is offered slowly with a carefully measured speed. Eagle eyes watch you and stare into your eyes. looking for any signs that you recognise the obvious contempt that this person has for you. This person may even smile. This is the most devious and cunning person who should be avoided at all costs.

Finally, worse than all else is the weak grip. Somehow, through something or another which I find impossibly to understand - the shape of the hand changes. There is no energy and the end result is some weak, lame and pathetic excuse for a handshake. This man is of weak character and mind. He will have a troubled relationship with his mother and is most certainly a closet homosexual.

You will be well advised to take note for what I say is true.


Blogger darling maggot said...

have you an opinion on the left-handed shake? you know the one i'm talking about.

12/06/2004 7:16 am  
Blogger Doom/Blondie said...

How utterly disgusted with myself for missing this, the uber-sin of Hand Shaking.

Truly I can only remember once in the last year encountering this. But shock horror - It was in fact me who was guilty of this - when I met my ex-girlfriend's new husband for the first time.

Really I had no choice - you must believe me.

I can only imagine what this faux-paus-par-excellence said about me at the time.

12/06/2004 8:00 am  
Blogger darling maggot said...

well take comfort. some people consider the left-hand shake the most polite and warm of all shakes.

don't see why, though. but perhaps he was one of them.

12/06/2004 10:10 am  

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