Fear of Failure

Shit shit shit.

Truly, I think one the the hardest... and yet most powerful things to do it to set a DEADLINE to yourself for a project you are leading.

Because then there are no longer any excuses. Things need to get done or else they don't get done.

I am so reticent to confirm next weekend as the shoot date for this little music video I am shooting. The problem is that I am effectively on my own with regards to the organisation - and I get panicky and disorganised. My producer is unavailable until late next week so his help will be limited so I am on my own.

Experience tells me that I can manage and overcome any problems... but there is that fear inside which haunts me. It speaks to me,

"put the shoot off, put the shoot off..."

And it is so immeasurably tempting.

If I delay, then I will find respite.

But then I will curse myself for my inability to organise myself and I will be pissed off for the delay.

So there is nothing to do. Other than plough ahead. But I am really unsettled about this. I have written out a list of tasks etc, and I suppose there is not THAT much stuff to do... but organisation is not my strong point.

Anyway, these are all stupid excuses.

It is my ambition to be master of my destiny. I want to learn how to do this stuff. So I have to just fling myself in at the deep end. It is just that it is frightening sometimes.

My fear is failure, and my reaction to this fear is procrastination - Of course... by procrastinating I am causing my failure anyway.

BUT FUCK IT... I FUCKING HATE THE ORGANISATION. I FUCKING HATE IT.

CUNT CUNT CUNT.

We have ONE major thing to organise and I do NOT know where to start. It is a CUNT. and it it really really fucks me off. I do not know WHERE TO fucking start.

I am gonna have to discipline myself and order my thoughts.... but where to begin...