Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Lap Dancers

All woman hate them.

For they bring out the worst traits in men and by doing this they bring out the worst traits in women.

It is 5:21am on a Tuesday morning and I have just got in and I am beaming from ear to ear even though my wallet is empty.

A Lap Dancer's job is to make a man fall in love with her. They get this right and then the man is powerless. The club we went to was large, decadent and designed to part a fool from his money like nothing else on earth.

But let us rewind for a moment.

It is my good friend's 27th birthday and following the success of our expedition to the Lap Dancing club on New Year's Eve we figured it to be a good idea to go again. So we did. Three of us. Young, free and single

New Year's Eve was good practice and training for this event. Since NY was quieter it allowed to be introduced to the etiquette and the *way it works*.

So I knew to be on my guard from the moment I walked into that mother fucker. The girls are like hawks. (like muggers even, probing for signs of weakness)

My two friends went to the bathroom so I walked into the main room in the club alone. Within seconds a very attractive dark skinned girl came up to me and was pouting and whispering in my ear.

I manage to fob her off with some bollocks.

I had a few moments of respite.

Moments later I am at the bar and talking to a very nice blonde northern girl. Suddenly my friends are behind me and they are being dragged off by two vampiric lap dancers into a private booth.

As they leave the girls turn to me and invite me and blondie along with them for a private dance. Politely I decline. I am at the bar with blondie and I am gonna enjoy her company a little. She teaches me a little technique to help say no to the myriad of dances who keep coming up and wanting to get friendly - and then she is off to perform a dance on the stage.

Within a few more seconds another nice girl is stalking over to me. She starts talking, but I am not interested in her.

I try the technique, "Sorry, I'm kind of waiting for that girl on stage to come back and dance for me."
"But you're so good looking, " She responded.
"yeah yeah yeah yeah." I fobbed her off.
"Well if you're gonna say, 'yeah yeah yeah yeah' like that then..."

(You know that walk a cat does when it sticks it's tail up in the air and shows you it's ass as it walks away?)

She did the lap dancing equivanlent of that walk to me.

Anyway. I go and sit down.

Two hours, Several Lap dancers and Lap dancers later I find myself really enjoying myself.

It is a game. It is an illusion. But like looking in the mirror and holding your stomach in - you choose to see what you choose to see.

Play the game then all is good.

Some of the girls were really stunning, all had flawless skin and make up, their bodies ranged from the petite to the artificial, from the buffed and toned to the more volutuous. All races and nationalities.

I managed to speak Russian to one.
(she was Czech and didn't understand a fucking word of it... but I tried.)

I did manage to speak Russian to one of the bouncers.
(But that doesn't really count)

I did speak a few words of French to the blonde girl and a few words of Italian to the Italian girl.

Oh the Italian girl.

The Italian girl was very aggressive, within two seconds of me saying hello she took my hand and led me away to a private booth. Not even "how are you?" and the slightest pretense of trying to be interested in me. She was cheeky and tried to get me to get a double lap dance from her and her friend. I am sure they started to curse me in Italian, but since I only know 5 words in Italian I don't think I'll ever know for sure. And then the tried the old favourite,

"Would you like me to carry on?"
Of course I would. But right now, "I'm fine thanks. That was enough."
Not the coolest line. But it abatted her bloodlust for money.

The Romanian girl was beautiful. Truly. How I wish I'd met her in a bar or somewhere else.

The Czech girl had a body to kill for.

The English girl...

I could go on and on.

In fact the whole place kind of made me want to become incredibly rich.

Towards the end of the night I decided to forego the fully nude lap dances - They are in a fucking dark room in the corner. Instead, for half the cost you can have them dance down to their g-string at your table or chair that you are at.

Personally, I find a woman to be flawlessly attractive in a g-string anyway, and it is more light in the main area as well as you having to be able to get two dances for the cost of a fully nude one. And I really like a girl who can dance - the way the moves... that is enough.

Beside most of the time I am looking into her eyes anway. For the eyes are the window to the soul and crucial in the maintenance of the illusion.

Lap Dancing clubs are dangerous fucking places. They distort your perception of reality, women, and how to relate to them. I cannot make a habit of these places since I do not think it is not a good idea for me to do so.

But - They are What they are... and if you know this then there is immeasurable fun to be had.

Like I said, it is a game.

And if you know how to play then you might be walking away broke as shit.

But you'll be smiling like a cunt.

xxx <--- for any of you who have ever danced for money. I love you.


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