Thursday, February 08, 2007

Genesis.

I'm not sure how to explain it, but there are tremendous transformations in my life which I feel the need to document. But I don't know where, and I don't know for whom.

When I say tremendous, I don't think I can fully express in text alone, the level at which these transformations are operating. This blog, this diary, does not come close to being a forum where I can express them. My readers, the few that remain, will not expect them from me. But that does not stop them from happening, and it does not stop me from wanted to express it.

In human terms our bodies totally replenish on a cellular level every 7 years. Therefore I am not the same person I was when I was twenty-one. But I'm not even the same person I thought I would be in seven years time, when I was twenty-one.

Not even close.

I never saw my life turning out this way, and I never would have imagined I would be this way. But when I hear myself speak, when I see the people I interact with, when I catch sight of myself with them, I cannot believe it.

I don't recognise myself.

But this is not a bad thing. It's profound. It's shocking. It's frightening, but it is not bad. Far from it. I've always been this man, since I was a child, except I never knew the words to express it. The concept was alien to me. But despite my failure to articulate, it never prevented my ability to experience it.

As to what I am talking about. Well, those of you who know me personally are aware of what I refer. But perhaps not aware of how powerful an experience it is for me.

It's not a new thing, it is something I began five years ago - only now it is manifesting itself in ways I never thought imaginable.

And I want to write it all down for others to see.

Except I don't know who those others should be.

xx

8 Comments:

Blogger Tony Play said...

Hi Doom/Blondie
I know this year has been tough so it is good to see that you seem to be coming out better now. I am glad the changes that are happening are for the good. Blogs are good to sometimes air what you are thinking, but at the same time it is YOUR blog so YOU can decided what you reveal. I am of course intrigued (and I am still one of your regular readers!) but only talk about it if you want to.
take care my man
Tony Play

2/08/2007 10:39 am  
Blogger RuKsaK said...

Hey Kohai - I'm here listening - you spill it any which way you want - every time you tap a key you drop a million molecules - a full post like that and you'd be fooled into thinking you've gone - you've just inspired me actually.

2/10/2007 1:21 am  
Blogger Nightmare said...

"But this is not a bad thing. It's profound. It's shocking. It's frightening, but it is not bad. Far from it. I've always been this man, since I was a child, except I never knew the words to express it. The concept was alien to me. But despite my failure to articulate, it never prevented my ability to experience it."

You have just put into words my feelings for the last 10 years. Thank You.

2/10/2007 2:15 pm  
Blogger Cocaine Jesus said...

concise. articulate and with that incredible ability that only a few blog writers have of being able to make the words seem as if though they were addressed to me.
good to 'meet' you.

2/11/2007 9:43 am  
Blogger Raghav said...

a tough experience for you, im sure, but a nice read for me.

2/12/2007 6:34 pm  
Blogger WebKittyn said...

Me. I should be one of those others. My motives are pure and I want nothing from you. You are an interesting individual.

As I go through my own life alterations and reconciliations I would love to know what you are discovering about you.

2/14/2007 10:25 am  
Blogger boulies said...

You have a captivating style of writing whether it is about yourself or a fictitious individual. I feel as though I've slipped straight into the beginnings of a full and fascinating novel, and wondering where it will take me next.

2/19/2007 7:57 am  
Blogger Bethanie Odd said...

dang, write again! the genesis suspense is killing me.

3/07/2007 4:10 am  

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