Sunday, December 12, 2004

I am haunted by a Demon

This is no idle and stupid musing of a bored adolescent in desperate need to add the illusion of excitement to his life. This is no pathetic attempt to glamourise myself or be pretentious enough as to suggest that I am worthy of being haunted by an actual real life demon.

But I do have a demon. And I hate him.

His strength is through fear. He plays upon my fears and my doubts.

I must crush this ugly and stupid demon. One day I may look back and spit upon him. But for now this demon vexes me immeasurably... he has a name - you might have heard it before for his name is Procrastination.

The two music videos I wanted to shoot before Christmas have been delayed until next year. This is not the end of the world, but I feel like I am just wasting time doing nothing constructive and it fucks me off. I am not pushing myself - or those around me enough.

All I am acheiving is getting closer to the end of my life. I know that for me to acheive what it is that I want to acheive I need to learn to motivate myself and to motivate those around me. I can do it when I need to. But I need to become a unstoppable machine.

In my head I am creating an image of myself - the person I want be - in my heart I feel that I am growing into the person I want to become. Slowly but surely I am creating myself. Sometimes I am aware that we are each blessed with the immeasurable power to define our own reality - it is something however that is the truest distinction of Theory Versus Practise.

Anyone can say those words - but to truly feel them and to truly believe them takes heart and trust and faith. The words may make sense - and superficially you might agree with them... but to feel them is something that I am trying to do.

Anyhows, I suppose I must simply take these few weeks and focus on pumping weights and learning my Russian. I feel that it is important to always move forwards and make progress - in which ever way is possible at the time.

(I sound so gay - Perhaps I should become a lifestyle guru and help to coach others to success?)


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