Today I had a bath and shed my skin like a snake.

(The following post is a total and utter work of fiction - it has no truth and is not based on real events. It never actually happened. Any resemblance to events or people living or dead is entirely coincidental and should be ignored.)

Years ago when I was studying TV and Film at University I had the opportunity to make short films (I directed 3 projects as part of my course and 2 extra ones for fun). Back then I had the most beautiful opportunity to learn the art of movie making. But I am not too sure who or what actually taught me.

My skills only ever developed 'so' far. That is, I graduated at the age of 21 with a grasp of film making that didn't really extend beyond my original abilities. All I had was the opportunity to practice with like minded people in an environment that would not crash and burn me for every mistake I made. Through this I managed to develop and grow more as an artist than a film maker.

I know it sounds gay, but it's true.

I did some maniac things on my film shoots - stuff that would have gotten me thrown out of university on my ass. I just deleted the list I typed out because it's not prudent to list one's indiscretions in a public forums. So here are the nouns only. With a few adjectives.

Unlicensed pyrotechnics,
Falsified health and safety documents,
Home made squibs,
Class A drugs, (actors using on set)
Imitation guns,
TWO armed reponse vehicles,
Customs checks
Self inflicted stab wound (very mild)
and...
Lap Dancers.

Not all at once of course.

But anyway, the biggest things I learned were not technical - they related to my filmmaking as an art. It related to what I wanted to do, and how far I wanted to go.

I was a bit of a prick, and I butted heads with a lot of people - lecturers and course mates alike. But I did what I had to do and I would always do the same.

In that time I discovered a truth about film making that I still quote to myself to this day.

"Film making is about evolving. From the moment you write the very first word of the script until the very last sound effect is added - the film is constantly changing, at every step of the way."
- Lord of Doom 1999

And from this I recognise the same truth in my most recent short film. Nobody can plan everything - it NEVER happens. Anybody who tries to is a lying cunt. Nobody gets it all their way.

So I have to roll with the punches and admit that yes my film IS shit. Because it is no longer the film I remember trying to make. It has evolved from that. But lucky for me, I recognise this. So I need to look and see inside to find the film that it will become.

For the uninitiated this is a traumatic experience. But it's not all bad though. It's kind of relieving to 'let go' and allow oneself to evolve. For my sins though, when all is said and done and this film is finished I will forget this process and I will imagine to myself that the end product was always the way it was meant to be.

And I will pretend that was a genius all along.

doom
x